Thursday, September 1, 2011

Healing...

Where do you find motivation when it's been gone for so long?

These past few years have been really tough on me. I think the biggest weight on my shoulders has to be the fact that I can't get pregnant. Well, I can get pregnant, I just haven't been able to yet. Chris and I have been trying for over 6 years now. It's pretty depressing to me. It's really taken over my life. I don't ever talk about it because I feel like no one really understands how I am feeling.

I want to be a mom so badly. I have tears in my eyes as I write this because it hurts my soul so badly that I am not able to have that joy.

I want to have a positive outlook on this situation, but how? It's so hard while you are going through it. Every time I see someone pregnant or with a new baby I get this ache in the pit of my stomach. I sit there and imagine it was me. I want to and need to be able to move on. What if I'm never able to get pregnant? I can't live this way forever.

I'm not looking for a pity party. I have needed to get this off my chest for such a long time. Maybe it's the start of my healing process.

9 comments:

The Slider Family said...

To my Dearest Sister,

I love you so much and I'm so sorry I'm not a better support system for you. I pray for you everyday personally and our family prays for you specifically each night in family prayer. I wish I could say I understand or offer some kind of advice, but I can't. I will keep praying for you and loving you with all my heart!!

The Wilsons said...

I too love you very much Taina. you are a daughter of Heavenly Parents as well who love you. I don't have all the answers to life's challenges and pain but Heavenly Father and the Saviour know exactly what you are feeling. You will be a mother some day, this I know for sure. Until then turn to your Heavenly Father in prayer for comfort and strength. You have many family and friends who love you and pray for you. Hang in there and let me know if you want to go out for an ice cream because that fixes anything for a few moments. Love Dad

The Wilsons said...

Dear Taina,
Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings that you have been holding in for so long. I know this will be therapeudic for you. I have seen the pain you have been going through, and know there is nothing I can do to help in this situation except to pray.
After having four children, our fifth (Joy) died. It was the most heartbreaking thing I had ever experienced, indiscribable. Following, I had the strongest desire and craving to become pregnant again. For the first time I wasn't able to conceive. It shockedme that I had such deep feelings of jealousy and frustration. And I already had children. I can't even imagine how much worse it must be for those who have none yet! They truely are the only ones who can completely understand what ou are going through.
My heart breaks for you. The desire for a mother to help her child who is in pain never ends. We pray for you all the time. It is the main thing I fast for.
The wonderful thing is that you have already demonstrated what an awesome mother you will be when the time does come. You have so much love and creativity. Any child will be blessed to have you as a mom! I love you, Mom <3

The Candlands said...

Hi Taina,

My name is Deneigh and I am friends with your mom (LOVE that girl)! She has heard me mention infertility often. My husband and I have been married for 10 1/2 years and we still don't have children, much to our chagrin. We got lucky in 2005, but that pregnancy ended in a complicated miscarriage.

Everyone sees infertility differently. I have gone through all the stages of grief anger, the why me's, and the what if's. The times I have been my strongest are when I was running a support group for women in Utah called Fertile In Your Faith. I based the group off the book Fertile In Your Faith by Krista Ralston Oakes (I totally recommend it). The book and group helped me look at my own struggles with different eyes. I also learned that I wasn't alone! I sometimes forgot that my husband knew the pain, heartache, and desire too. Just know that there are so many women (more than you can imagine), who may not know exactly what YOU are feeling, but they do know what it's like to have the desire to have children and experience the ups and downs of infertility. Being open about infertility helps others to be aware and more sympathetic, and believe or not, it can make you stronger too!

If you ever want to talk or have questions feel free to contact me: nayskers(at)hotmail(.com). I wish you the best!

Deneigh

Unknown said...

Taina~

I love you and I am so glad you posted this so that we could know how you are feeling. I think about you all the time, and I am sending my support and positive energies your way. You are an amazing person and I love you.

Love always,

Heather

Kimo Wilson said...

I know there is nothing we can do but support you. If you ever need anything or just want to talk, you know where we are. Love always, Kimo

amber said...

Taina,

Thank you for sharing. I can understand that sharing something this difficult and personal is hard. You are such a wonderful person and my prayers are with you. I can't imagine the struggle you have had to go through, but I know Heavenly Father with always be there for you. My heart goes out to you!
Amber

Amanda Belnap said...

Taina,

I love you so very much! I have a cousin who is going thru the same thing you are and it kills me to watch her sadness! I am so glad that you are letting your feelings out and allowing others to be there for you! I know that you will be a mother, and you will be an amazing one when you are! Heavenly Father has a plan for you and as much as you are suffering right now, he knows every ounce of pain you are going through. Continue to pray, reach out and have faith that this WILL happen for you! I have a very strong desire to be a mother too, but obviously I need a husband for that, and I can only imagine how heartbreaking the length of trying has been for you! I love you so much and if you ever need to talk, I am always here for you!! ♥

Wherenext With Lon and Josie said...

Taina I just found your blog and tears are running down my face and my heart is breaking for you. I somewhat know your pain as I had such a difficult time getting pregnant for the first time. Countless times spent in doctors offices having tests run on both me and my husband. Can't remember how much it all cost but we were willing to try anything. I remember the day they finally said you may have to consider adoption as they could not guarantee we would ever be able to conceive. We filled out the papers, prayed daily and know there were many praying in our behalf. One last surgery for Lon and we gave it a year the we would turn in the adoption papers. I remember the call by the doctor himself that said congratulations and the tears of joy we felt and thankfulness of the Lord that he granted the desire of our hearts. I know that you will be a mother and an awesome one at that and pray the Lird gives you and Chris the strength to continue in this righteous desire. Love you, call me anytime or come to the ranch in Colorado and visit we would love to have you.